Tiffany Haddish for President (Briefly) — and Other Lies the Internet Believed

Good evening! Welcome to Jimmy Kimmel Live.
I’m your guest host, Tiffany Haddish.

Yes.
This is my second night, and I’m already making history.

Because last night, I announced that I am officially running for President of the United States.

And let me tell you—the response has been overwhelming.

People online are saying things like:
“Tiffany by a landslide.”
“You’ve got my vote—and the vote of my dead relatives.”

And yes, I see you, dead voters. Don’t play with me.

My campaign even made the local news.

They said, “Kids may be back in school, but it’s still summer vacation for late-night host Jimmy Kimmel. Filling in this week—Tiffany Haddish.”

And yes, under a Haddish presidency, every Subway will carry pastrami sandwiches.

Damn it.

Subway should make it a limited edition and call it The Haddish.

Because the Haddish can turn a six-inch into a foot-long real fast.
You know what I’m saying.

I’ll be your pastrami mommy.

Now, even though my campaign is only two days old, I need to address a personal matter.

Two weeks ago, I posted a picture on Instagram with my friend Jason Lee and a baby. The caption said, “Cat’s out the bag.”

And somehow… the internet decided I secretly had a baby.

There were articles.
My own relatives were calling me.

Which is wild—because they all live in my house and would’ve noticed a baby blocking the hallway.

So tonight, my friend Jason Lee is here to clear this up.

Jason, how you feeling?

Good? Good.

Yes—we took a picture with a baby.
No—I did not give birth.

But we did make it our god-baby.

And as two former foster kids, that actually matters.

Adoption is important.

Now, Jason—the offer is still on the table if you want to make a real baby together.

We’ll have a meeting.

I’m traditional…
and I’m still gay.

So just to be clear:
I did not have a baby.

But I am open to it.

Very open.

In fact, I made a list of potential baby daddies.

Let’s take a look.

Marcus from The Running Point

Number 27 from the Yankees — let’s hit it out the park, daddy

Tom Cruise — no mission is too impossible

Brad Pitt — he can press all my Benjamin Buttons

Melvin from KTLA — he said he loved me, y’all

Aquaman — these waters are safe

Ken, one of our segment producers — I think he got money

And Pedro Pascal…
We could have a fantastic foursome.

If you or someone you know wants to put a baby in me, please reach out using the hashtag #PastramiMommy.

Thank you.

Now, while I’m here, I want to give back to the community.

Some locals are trying to sell items online—but not having much luck.

So I’m going to increase their value using my famous hands in a segment we call:

Tiffany Touches Your Junk

Juan from West LA brought a vacuum cleaner outfit.

Not a vacuum.

An outfit.

A cow dressed as a maid.

He wants $70.

I touched it—front and back—added some DNA.

Value?

$700.

Congratulations, Juan.

Next up: Robert from Thousand Oaks.

He claims these are sketches from the OJ Simpson trial.

Dates don’t match.
None of these people look like they’re in court.
One looks like Jay Leno discussing child support.

But Robert is retired…
and also Santa Claus.

I touched them.

Original price: $80.
New value: $300.

Someone will buy it.

Somebody always does.

Next: Steph from Los Feliz with a human dog bed.

She paid $300.
She wants $150.

She’s a hypnotherapist going nomad.

Okay, girl.

I laid in it.

I’m 56 and a half—and let me tell you—this thing is comfortable.

Original price: $150.
After my sexy body touched it?

$500.

You’re welcome.

Finally, Pam from Sherman Oaks with an address plaque: 5706.

She wanted $10.

Instead, I bought it—and now I’m inspired to buy the house that matches it.

Because why not?

GMO, give her $10.

I don’t pay for nothing anymore.

Before we go—
GMO, how many subscribers do we have on YouTube?

Twenty million?

That’s right.

That’s why we wear these glasses.

Thanks for subscribing.

And if you haven’t yet—
Help us get to 20 million and one.